My longtime partner never does anything for our anniversary. Should I just give up on this?

August 14, 2024

Don’t miss the next live chat: Dr. Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist who has been helping readers with Baggage Check since 2005, hosts a weekly live chat at washingtonpost.com on Tuesdays at 1 p.m. She discusses her recent columns and answers any questions you may have about relationships, work, family, mental health and more. Join or read Dr. Andrea’s latest live chat here.

Q. Is there any hope to make a partner remember birthdays and anniversaries if he seems unwilling to do so? We have been together for six years, and though we are not married, I like to celebrate “our anniversary” as the day we became a couple. Every single year, my partner “forgets” unless I have mentioned it so many times beforehand that it ends up more frustrating than it’s worth. Should I just give up on this? He is a good man in so many ways. But am I asking too much for us to have an anniversary celebration that he actually initiates?

I can see your frustration in this. But I feel like there are several different aspects to your question here, and they all could point to potentially different issues — and I’m not sure what you’re really hoping for. At first you say you want him to remember, but then you put quotes around his “forgetting.” So is it truly a memory problem? Or is it a passive-aggressiveness problem? And you wrap up by saying you want him to initiate a celebration — which, depending on what you mean, may be an expectation beyond just remembering. Would you be happy with a greeting card? Or do you want him to plan a date night for the record books? So, first, decide what you’re really asking for, and what is most important to you, including what it represents emotionally — and whether it is realistic given his personality. Then, open up to him — with those classic “I” statements — and be willing to see if there is a path forward for you both that will help you feel loved, but not make him want to beat his head against the wall.

14 and angry at the world

Q. I’m not sure where else to ask this, so here I go. I am 14 years old and my temper has become very problematic. I find it very hard to conceal my anger, and I’m just having a hard time overall. My temper has caused me to lose friends, distance myself from loved ones and hurt myself physically and emotionally. Please help.

I’m glad you chose to start here. Please know that you are ahead of the game in recognizing the effects that your temper is having on you, and actually wanting to make changes. When you mention the hurt that it is causing you, I become particularly concerned, because that isn’t how anyone should have to live — and the hurt can get worse. It makes me even more certain that you could really use a trained adult to help you find a path through this. There are all kinds of help out there for managing anger better, from learning mindfulness techniques, to finding physical outlets, to addressing distorted thinking patterns or problematic relationships that keep creating things to get mad about. You could also benefit from a physical checkup to see if there are medical or biological issues that are increasing your irritability. I urge you to start somewhere, whether with a trusted teacher, guidance counselor, doctor, relative, friend’s parent or your own parents — provided you feel safe talking about your feelings with them.

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Send your questions for Baggage Check to Dr. Andrea Bonior at baggage@wpost.com. She may answer them in an upcoming column in Express or in a live chat on Tuesdays at 1 p.m. at washingtonpost.com.

14 and angry at the world

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